Sunday, October 6, 2013
First day of a 60 day juice fast...btw it's been a while...
So I am at a weight I never thought I would ever get to...ugh...do I have to mention it?!??!!! Well I got to this point, and I have to deal with it and take responsibility for it. Ahem...308 lbs. Wow. I remember when I was 33 and I reached 266 and that was devastating. Well after this juice fast I will be happy to be under that. This is gonna be a tough road. Oh well. It is what it is. I need to loose this weight for my health, happiness, get active again, and have babies. I got married this past year, and my husband and I have been through anything but a honeymoon year. David has been out of work for over a year. He finally got a job only to find out the contract is up in one month. There is a possibility that he can get hired on directly with the VA hospital as opposed to the contract through the temp agency. We are in big debt. I have not been in debt since the last time I was married 13 yrs ago. Not fun. Not fun at all. I don't want to go through this trial, but unfortunately it is out of my control. I have been struggling with much anger, resentment, frustration, through all the change I have faced and the sacrifices that I have made to get married, and thing only getting worse. I have been resentful toward my husband and angry at God. I know I shouldn't. I know I need to face it with faith and be happy. I haven't. It isn't easy. I don't want to stay this way. I hate Las Vegas. I miss Southern California. I have given up so much to be with David, and I am angry about it. I have eaten my feelings and let the stress take over. I am not happy with myself. I am uncomfortable. I hate the way I look and the way I feel. I need to make drastic changes. This is my motivation for this 60 day juice fast. I know the first week is going to be the hardest. My sweet husband is supporting me by making the meals for him and Damien. He wants me to stick with it. I just want these trials to melt away with the pounds I am hoping to shed. I hope David gets a secure job. I want to get out of debt. I want to have babies. I am almost 37 and the fact that it isn't possible after waiting to get married for so long is hard for me to accept. I don't understand the why. I know I shouldn't need to know but have faith it will only be to my benefit in the end. I hope to be able to start running, hiking, exercising like I used to again. Sadly ever since David and I started dating I have stopped my exercising because he fought it. I still have to forgive him for that...as well as the financial part. I need to go back to my daily scripture study, keeping the sabbath day holy, prayers, temple attendance, and fulfilling my calling t get the help, strength, and blessings I need. Here goes nothing!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The Lessons From A Broken Heart
It is interesting how truth and clarity come in increments. The illumination of one light bulb brings a greater grasp of understanding, and further meaning to the phrase hind sight is 20/20. But when least expected, that light seems dim compared to the newest wattage of clarity, bringing that 20/20 vision of past experiences to eagle eye 20/10 equivalence. I have no doubt that there is a depth of knowlegde and understanding that is far beyond our current comprehension. An infinite expanse, if you will, of clarity (see all those high fluting math concepts do apply to real life).
I am sure I will appreciate the experience of a broken heart with even greater clarity in the future, but for now the brightness of my understanding has grown. I recall a wise friend who said she is very grateful her heart was broken once because she knows she is married to the right man, and how she loves him. I look forward to this greater understanding which will come at the time of meeting the right man to whom I will be wed, and with whom I will raise a family.
As I look back on what I consider the heart break of my life, I see the changes of my view on that experience as I grow and gain more experiences. I couldn't compare the pain I was feeling at the time because I never experienced it before. Sure, I was previously married and the pains of a wrong choice and divorce wrot much growth and change in me, but it still didn't compare to the depth of pain I felt from this break up. While in the immediate aftermath of the break up, I couldn't understand why the opportunity of that relationship was placed in my life when it wasn't going to work out, for I don't believe that things happen by chance though I do believe we all have our free agency to affect and make choices of what is placed in our lives. In fact, I felt months of intense loss in my life and I kept replaying how I could have done things better and perhaps reached a more favorable outcome. I even entertained the thought that perhaps we weren't ready at the time, but perhaps in the future we would have learned more that would benefit a greater love and marriage. The words perhaps rang in my mind and in my heart. I had the hope that we would get back together, until he got married.
This bit of knowledge threw me in another tail spin, or rather revealed another layer of healing that I had been avoiding. Heck, the man was off the market. He chose to be off the market and he did not choose me, all while I thought perhaps...Yes, it was a form of closure. The closure of the perhaps I had been holding dear. It was the closed door I needed, though painful as it was. Funny though, I knew there was no possibility anymore and moved on in a way but I realized I hadn't fully moved on. I didn't realize I hadn't fully moved on until years later. I guess what I mean is that I didn't understand the significance and blessing of that broken heart until years later.
I always knew that I had learned a great deal from that relationship, and from that man. I learned what a real relationship should look like; one with love, and respect. Best friends with lots of laughter and passion. A man I could respect his priesthood because he respected it. A man who lived his testimony and sought after serving and progression. I never had to worry about compromising my values or standards with him, because in fact he made me want to be a better person; and suprisingly enough he told me I made him want to be a better person.
Even in the end I could see that the huge impass that brought about the break up was the proof that we each had a different purpose that neither one of us could help the other to fulfill. I knew that if we forced the relationship, one day we would grow to resent one another because neither one was ready for what was necessary to overcome the obstacle that came between us. Everything that was beautiful and great would decay and fall apart if we forced the relationship. To this day, I am gratefull he had more strenth than I to end it, because I surely didn't have the fortitude necessary. In fact, I didn't want to accept the break up to the point of loosing much respect and self respect. I did not handle the break up well, and for that I am ashamed. I have been able to forgive myself. I have also been able to apologize for not handling the break up well. I didn't realize how much I needed this to really gain closure and healing until I let him know how sorry I was. In fact, I felt sorry about how I dealt with it for years, but never let him know because I didn't want to interfere in his marriage.
I thought that simply the lessons from that heartbreak were 1) to learn was a real relationship looks like 2) that I have a purpose that he couldn't help me fulfill. It wasn't until this last Sunday as I was talking with a good friend about the lovely and ever so fun subject of dating and marriage, that I received the clarity that the blessings of that relationship and subsequent hearbreak far out weighed my prior understanding. After my divorce, I wanted to find the right man and the right relationship. I thought I had learned a lot about myself and what I was looking for. But it started to become evident that my desire to be married was outweighing my desire to be married to the right man because the type of guys I started to date or spend time with were becoming more and more questionable.
In fact, I didn't even consider the heartbreak of my life as relationship material until spending time with him and realizing how much I liked him and respected him. I thought it was going to be friendship only. We all know there are those friends with potential and those friends with no potential. I sized him up immediately as a great guy with no potential. Rather quickly, my hasty conclusion changed because I added how much I liked the guy with how he made me feel in a relatively short time. All of a sudden I really really liked him, and wanted to pursue a relationship. From that point on I was changed.
I changed because what I in my heart knew I should be looking for in a man and in a relationship all of a sudden wasn't just wistful thinking. Instead of settling for less than that or for what was available at the time, I learned that the right relationship was worth waiting for. The right relationship was worth the heartache of being lonely and single and not having that love in my life. I had already experienced what a bad marriage was and the lack of joy that comes from that. I didn't want that again. I didn't want that for my future children. But up until meeting the hearbreak of my life, the guys I started spending my time with were not going to bring any more happiness than my first marriage. It took that amazing realtionship and intense heartbreak to teach me what I really should be looking for. It gave me a taste of what the right relationship would be like. It gave me the experience necessary to avoid going down the wrong path with the wrong guys.
In the years to follow this break up, I have only semi dated one guy. Other than that, I really have only had disappointments. I have not dated much at all. And this is okay with me. I know that that heartbreak has saved me from choosing the wrong relationships until it is the right time for the right one. Wow. How much you learn when your perspective of a situation shifts even a tiny bit. What once I couldn't understand why in the world I met this guy because of the pain I experience from it not working out becomes such a huge blessing. Though I was not strong enough to be the one to do the right thing to end the relationship at the time, I did gain the strength to stay out of the wrong relationship since. I know this will be a far greater blessing once I do meet and marry my best friend and the love of my life. It will all make sense, and the light of my understanding will shine brighter than I can imagine!
I look forward to this. Until then, if I can influence but one person for the good, and to inspire someone to hold out for the right relationship and endure the pains and lonlieness that singlehood brings, and to endure it well and be happy, then it is even more worth it!
I am sure I will appreciate the experience of a broken heart with even greater clarity in the future, but for now the brightness of my understanding has grown. I recall a wise friend who said she is very grateful her heart was broken once because she knows she is married to the right man, and how she loves him. I look forward to this greater understanding which will come at the time of meeting the right man to whom I will be wed, and with whom I will raise a family.
As I look back on what I consider the heart break of my life, I see the changes of my view on that experience as I grow and gain more experiences. I couldn't compare the pain I was feeling at the time because I never experienced it before. Sure, I was previously married and the pains of a wrong choice and divorce wrot much growth and change in me, but it still didn't compare to the depth of pain I felt from this break up. While in the immediate aftermath of the break up, I couldn't understand why the opportunity of that relationship was placed in my life when it wasn't going to work out, for I don't believe that things happen by chance though I do believe we all have our free agency to affect and make choices of what is placed in our lives. In fact, I felt months of intense loss in my life and I kept replaying how I could have done things better and perhaps reached a more favorable outcome. I even entertained the thought that perhaps we weren't ready at the time, but perhaps in the future we would have learned more that would benefit a greater love and marriage. The words perhaps rang in my mind and in my heart. I had the hope that we would get back together, until he got married.
This bit of knowledge threw me in another tail spin, or rather revealed another layer of healing that I had been avoiding. Heck, the man was off the market. He chose to be off the market and he did not choose me, all while I thought perhaps...Yes, it was a form of closure. The closure of the perhaps I had been holding dear. It was the closed door I needed, though painful as it was. Funny though, I knew there was no possibility anymore and moved on in a way but I realized I hadn't fully moved on. I didn't realize I hadn't fully moved on until years later. I guess what I mean is that I didn't understand the significance and blessing of that broken heart until years later.
I always knew that I had learned a great deal from that relationship, and from that man. I learned what a real relationship should look like; one with love, and respect. Best friends with lots of laughter and passion. A man I could respect his priesthood because he respected it. A man who lived his testimony and sought after serving and progression. I never had to worry about compromising my values or standards with him, because in fact he made me want to be a better person; and suprisingly enough he told me I made him want to be a better person.
Even in the end I could see that the huge impass that brought about the break up was the proof that we each had a different purpose that neither one of us could help the other to fulfill. I knew that if we forced the relationship, one day we would grow to resent one another because neither one was ready for what was necessary to overcome the obstacle that came between us. Everything that was beautiful and great would decay and fall apart if we forced the relationship. To this day, I am gratefull he had more strenth than I to end it, because I surely didn't have the fortitude necessary. In fact, I didn't want to accept the break up to the point of loosing much respect and self respect. I did not handle the break up well, and for that I am ashamed. I have been able to forgive myself. I have also been able to apologize for not handling the break up well. I didn't realize how much I needed this to really gain closure and healing until I let him know how sorry I was. In fact, I felt sorry about how I dealt with it for years, but never let him know because I didn't want to interfere in his marriage.
I thought that simply the lessons from that heartbreak were 1) to learn was a real relationship looks like 2) that I have a purpose that he couldn't help me fulfill. It wasn't until this last Sunday as I was talking with a good friend about the lovely and ever so fun subject of dating and marriage, that I received the clarity that the blessings of that relationship and subsequent hearbreak far out weighed my prior understanding. After my divorce, I wanted to find the right man and the right relationship. I thought I had learned a lot about myself and what I was looking for. But it started to become evident that my desire to be married was outweighing my desire to be married to the right man because the type of guys I started to date or spend time with were becoming more and more questionable.
In fact, I didn't even consider the heartbreak of my life as relationship material until spending time with him and realizing how much I liked him and respected him. I thought it was going to be friendship only. We all know there are those friends with potential and those friends with no potential. I sized him up immediately as a great guy with no potential. Rather quickly, my hasty conclusion changed because I added how much I liked the guy with how he made me feel in a relatively short time. All of a sudden I really really liked him, and wanted to pursue a relationship. From that point on I was changed.
I changed because what I in my heart knew I should be looking for in a man and in a relationship all of a sudden wasn't just wistful thinking. Instead of settling for less than that or for what was available at the time, I learned that the right relationship was worth waiting for. The right relationship was worth the heartache of being lonely and single and not having that love in my life. I had already experienced what a bad marriage was and the lack of joy that comes from that. I didn't want that again. I didn't want that for my future children. But up until meeting the hearbreak of my life, the guys I started spending my time with were not going to bring any more happiness than my first marriage. It took that amazing realtionship and intense heartbreak to teach me what I really should be looking for. It gave me a taste of what the right relationship would be like. It gave me the experience necessary to avoid going down the wrong path with the wrong guys.
In the years to follow this break up, I have only semi dated one guy. Other than that, I really have only had disappointments. I have not dated much at all. And this is okay with me. I know that that heartbreak has saved me from choosing the wrong relationships until it is the right time for the right one. Wow. How much you learn when your perspective of a situation shifts even a tiny bit. What once I couldn't understand why in the world I met this guy because of the pain I experience from it not working out becomes such a huge blessing. Though I was not strong enough to be the one to do the right thing to end the relationship at the time, I did gain the strength to stay out of the wrong relationship since. I know this will be a far greater blessing once I do meet and marry my best friend and the love of my life. It will all make sense, and the light of my understanding will shine brighter than I can imagine!
I look forward to this. Until then, if I can influence but one person for the good, and to inspire someone to hold out for the right relationship and endure the pains and lonlieness that singlehood brings, and to endure it well and be happy, then it is even more worth it!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Spiritual Submissiveness
"Spiritual submissiveness is not accomplished in an instant, but by the incremental improvements and by the successive use of stepping-stones. Stepping stones are meant to be taken one at a time anyway. Eventually our wills can be 'swallowedup in the will of the Father' as we are 'willing to submit...even as a child doth submit to his father' (Mosiah 15:7; 3:19). Otherwise, though striving, we will continue to feel the world's prop wash and be partially diverted."
Neal A. Maxwell
Neal A. Maxwell
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
A quote from Pres. Ezra taft Benson
This quote has been a great source of strength for me. It reminds me to strive to be worthy of the Holy Ghost, that God can make more out of me than I can, and to keep fighting the good fight.
“Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He can:
◈ deepen their joys,
◈ expand their vision,
◈ quicken their mind
◈ strengthen their muscles
◈ lift their spirits
◈ multiply their blessings
◈ increase their opportunities
◈ comfort their souls
◈ raise up friends
◈ pour out peace
Whoever will lose out his life in the service of God will find eternal life.”
“Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He can:
◈ deepen their joys,
◈ expand their vision,
◈ quicken their mind
◈ strengthen their muscles
◈ lift their spirits
◈ multiply their blessings
◈ increase their opportunities
◈ comfort their souls
◈ raise up friends
◈ pour out peace
Whoever will lose out his life in the service of God will find eternal life.”
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Plans that go all amuck and reveal new obstacles
This morning I was contemplating all that I am juggling on my plate, knowing it is only through divine intervention that I will be able to accomplish it all. I just kept thinking that things will be tough, but doable and I just have to keep plowing through and everything will work out.
Of course that was before finding out about the problems registering for 17 credits of math classes at Golden West College next semester, which i thought would be a snap, only to find out the hoops I have to jump through to make it a possibility. I needs these classes to move over on the pay scale to make up for the pay cuts i have and continue to endure this year. I cannot and will not give up. God gave me a brain and I am going to use it to the best of my ability. I am going to exhaust all my resources to make it happen, and supplicate to my God for the miracles I need right now to make all this happen.
Not only did I find out about the difficulty registering, but I come to find out sweet little Suzy Q was the most likely culprit of wetting my new roommates bed. Great. And she is frustrated, with a capital F! Yes, good ol' Suzy is stubborn and does not like the cold wet grass, and we have been blessed with lots and lots of rain as of late. Oh dear, now I have a frustrated new roommate, a potentially crazy schedule, a stubborn little dog who doesn't want to go potty on the cold wet grass on her own. I just hope I don't have to walk on egg shells in this new place I am living.
When it rains it pours.
I got a call from my good friend Rebecca who just gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She told me all about the delivery, and I was shocked to find out she had to have an emergency C-section. Wow. I did not see that coming, but I guess neither did she. I know that she was working on hyono-birthing her whole pregancy, and was planning on delivering sans drugs or epidural. Well, she got the drugs, and the epidural, and definately a c-section. Nothing as she planned, but she is just grateful that her son is healthy and happy. I know that Rebecca is a planner, major Red-Blue planner, but this is a big start in the un-planned and rolling with the punches with a grateful heart.
It reminds me that I am not the only one to go through upset plans, or craziness. I never thought i was, but it is nice to share the struggles friends endure. It doesn't seem so lonely then.
I am grateful for friends who call at the exact right moment. I was feeling so bad about Suzy wetting my roomie's bed and feeling overwhelmed at getting these classes taken. I was really down. It made such a difference to talk to a good friend and share her joy of her newborn son, and that she thought of me to call so soon after such a life enriching event, and then listening to my struggles and trials and worries from today. What a heaven sent blessing.
I love my friends.
Of course that was before finding out about the problems registering for 17 credits of math classes at Golden West College next semester, which i thought would be a snap, only to find out the hoops I have to jump through to make it a possibility. I needs these classes to move over on the pay scale to make up for the pay cuts i have and continue to endure this year. I cannot and will not give up. God gave me a brain and I am going to use it to the best of my ability. I am going to exhaust all my resources to make it happen, and supplicate to my God for the miracles I need right now to make all this happen.
Not only did I find out about the difficulty registering, but I come to find out sweet little Suzy Q was the most likely culprit of wetting my new roommates bed. Great. And she is frustrated, with a capital F! Yes, good ol' Suzy is stubborn and does not like the cold wet grass, and we have been blessed with lots and lots of rain as of late. Oh dear, now I have a frustrated new roommate, a potentially crazy schedule, a stubborn little dog who doesn't want to go potty on the cold wet grass on her own. I just hope I don't have to walk on egg shells in this new place I am living.
When it rains it pours.
I got a call from my good friend Rebecca who just gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She told me all about the delivery, and I was shocked to find out she had to have an emergency C-section. Wow. I did not see that coming, but I guess neither did she. I know that she was working on hyono-birthing her whole pregancy, and was planning on delivering sans drugs or epidural. Well, she got the drugs, and the epidural, and definately a c-section. Nothing as she planned, but she is just grateful that her son is healthy and happy. I know that Rebecca is a planner, major Red-Blue planner, but this is a big start in the un-planned and rolling with the punches with a grateful heart.
It reminds me that I am not the only one to go through upset plans, or craziness. I never thought i was, but it is nice to share the struggles friends endure. It doesn't seem so lonely then.
I am grateful for friends who call at the exact right moment. I was feeling so bad about Suzy wetting my roomie's bed and feeling overwhelmed at getting these classes taken. I was really down. It made such a difference to talk to a good friend and share her joy of her newborn son, and that she thought of me to call so soon after such a life enriching event, and then listening to my struggles and trials and worries from today. What a heaven sent blessing.
I love my friends.
The passing of a servant of God, Elder Jeseph B. Wirthlin
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, the oldest living apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, died last night, December 2, 2008, age 91.
Elder Wirthlin had gone to bed at his Salt Lake City home, and died peacefully at about 11:30 pm of causes incident to age. His oldest daughter, Jane Wirthlin Parker, was present. A member of the family had been staying and caring for Elder Wirthlin, whose wife, Elisa Young Rogers Wirthlin, died in 2006.
He had continued to work at his office right up until the Thanksgiving holiday.
Elder Wirthlin had gone to bed at his Salt Lake City home, and died peacefully at about 11:30 pm of causes incident to age. His oldest daughter, Jane Wirthlin Parker, was present. A member of the family had been staying and caring for Elder Wirthlin, whose wife, Elisa Young Rogers Wirthlin, died in 2006.
He had continued to work at his office right up until the Thanksgiving holiday.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God
Do you ever just catch yourself dreaming or imagining what life would be like married and a few little tots running around?
I do.
Maybe its my age, or the fact that that age keeps on changing but life seems to stay about the same, except for the details like what you eat for dinner, who you talked to, what you did over the weekend.
I remember when I was a younger version of me, I just took for granted that kids followed marriage and alla that stuff that gets you there, but I never really thought about the life that comes with kids. Heck, I think I took marriage for granted too.
Now I find myself dreaming of running on errands, dressing little bodies, cleaning little fingures and toes, going to the park, being more tired and frusterated and scared but oh so happy that my efforts would produce little giggles and little curious souls. I imagine family trips, holding hands with the love of my life and the father of my little ones while the childrens see things I take for granted for the first time, making it new for me.
This is what I look forward to. This is what I find myself dreaming about or imagining.
Yes, I know it will be harder than I can imagine, and it will be more joyous than I can imagine...and nothing can really prepare you for it.
I just look forward to this.
I am constantly told to hang in there. I don't feel desprate in any way shape or form because I want to be in the right relationship with the right person at the right time; it seems so cliche. I already tasted what an unhappy marriage is, and thankfully that ended 7 yrs ago, but I also tasted what it is like to start sharing a life with someone. I am sure I will look back one day and see that this whole time was necessary, but I have to say that if it were my will I would not choose to be single. BUT, at the same time it is my will to be in the right situation for time and all eternity this time, and I know this is God's will too...I guess it will just take longer that's all.
I am gratefull for this time to do things and have the freedom that singlehood gives me. I do, however, still feel the ache for a husband and a family. I know these are righteous desires, and I know I have a loving Heavenly Father that allows each of us to taste of the bitter to better savour the exquisite nature of the sweet, no matter how un-fun it is at the time. I also know that I will continue to feel this ache and desire until it does come to pass. I accept that, I may not like it, but I accept it. This is part of why we all chose the great Plan of Salvation and to experience the tests and trials of this life.
God's ways are not my ways. I have no idea what the BIG picture is. I know I am not God's only child and thus I know my experiences will not only benefit me, but other's. I also know that there is a refiner's fire at work not only in my life, but in the life of the one God is preparing for me, that our children may be more fully blessed. I am utterly grateful for that.
I have a strong testimony of marriage. I have said it many times before, but I think that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God because there is no other place that we can develope Christ like attributes anywhere else. No wonder we are told neither a man is not complete without a woman and a woman is not complete without a man. Marriage takes work, sacrifice, selflessness, forgiveness, meekness, love, charity, long suffering, patience...and when any of those attributes are missing the marriage will begin to unravel, and unless both are striving to develope those attributes, the marriage will not reach its eternal potential, and neither will each partner.
Not only do we develope these qualities for ourselves, for our marriages, but also our children. Yes, others around us, but I would venture to say that there is no greater impact on one's life, and one's salvation that that of the family and children.
There are no guarantees in life except one: the Atonement is enough. No matter what happends. Too often I hear divorcees in the church complain that they did it right. They were worthy. Sought out a worthy parther. Got sealed in the temple. And now they are divorced, perhaps with children. Some get angry at God, and feel they deserved better or use it as a justification to fornicate or what ever else they get themselves into. There is one eternal principal they are forgetting. Free Agency! We all have our free agency. We knew that choosing God's plan. We knew how wonderful things could be if every one chose righteously. We also knew that not everyone would, and that we might suffer because of other's choices. There are no victims in this world. We all made a choice before we came. But, as I said before, the Atonement is enough, no matter what happens. All we can do is choose to live righteously and seek for progression, and we will be blessed.
I know this to be true with all of my being.
I look forward to being a wife, and a mother. I know it will happen, and I choose God's will this time.
I rejoice in friends who have found a worthy eternal companion and are now starting a family. I love seeing people I've met getting married like Dan and Jaime, Rebecca and Bryce, Ana and Allen, Roman and his wife (sorry I forgot). I love seeing good men I have known like Mike to meet Bethany who was prepared to love him and he her. I love it. It makes me happy. These are such good examples to me and their diligence in finding their eternal companion, and in nurturing their marriage.
Marriage is a miracle. A blessing from God.
I wish it for everyone. I know it will happen with faith and patience. I also know that if we are not willing to follow God will, as tough as it may seem right now, it will be a tougher lesson if we choose our own will over His.
I do.
Maybe its my age, or the fact that that age keeps on changing but life seems to stay about the same, except for the details like what you eat for dinner, who you talked to, what you did over the weekend.
I remember when I was a younger version of me, I just took for granted that kids followed marriage and alla that stuff that gets you there, but I never really thought about the life that comes with kids. Heck, I think I took marriage for granted too.
Now I find myself dreaming of running on errands, dressing little bodies, cleaning little fingures and toes, going to the park, being more tired and frusterated and scared but oh so happy that my efforts would produce little giggles and little curious souls. I imagine family trips, holding hands with the love of my life and the father of my little ones while the childrens see things I take for granted for the first time, making it new for me.
This is what I look forward to. This is what I find myself dreaming about or imagining.
Yes, I know it will be harder than I can imagine, and it will be more joyous than I can imagine...and nothing can really prepare you for it.
I just look forward to this.
I am constantly told to hang in there. I don't feel desprate in any way shape or form because I want to be in the right relationship with the right person at the right time; it seems so cliche. I already tasted what an unhappy marriage is, and thankfully that ended 7 yrs ago, but I also tasted what it is like to start sharing a life with someone. I am sure I will look back one day and see that this whole time was necessary, but I have to say that if it were my will I would not choose to be single. BUT, at the same time it is my will to be in the right situation for time and all eternity this time, and I know this is God's will too...I guess it will just take longer that's all.
I am gratefull for this time to do things and have the freedom that singlehood gives me. I do, however, still feel the ache for a husband and a family. I know these are righteous desires, and I know I have a loving Heavenly Father that allows each of us to taste of the bitter to better savour the exquisite nature of the sweet, no matter how un-fun it is at the time. I also know that I will continue to feel this ache and desire until it does come to pass. I accept that, I may not like it, but I accept it. This is part of why we all chose the great Plan of Salvation and to experience the tests and trials of this life.
God's ways are not my ways. I have no idea what the BIG picture is. I know I am not God's only child and thus I know my experiences will not only benefit me, but other's. I also know that there is a refiner's fire at work not only in my life, but in the life of the one God is preparing for me, that our children may be more fully blessed. I am utterly grateful for that.
I have a strong testimony of marriage. I have said it many times before, but I think that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God because there is no other place that we can develope Christ like attributes anywhere else. No wonder we are told neither a man is not complete without a woman and a woman is not complete without a man. Marriage takes work, sacrifice, selflessness, forgiveness, meekness, love, charity, long suffering, patience...and when any of those attributes are missing the marriage will begin to unravel, and unless both are striving to develope those attributes, the marriage will not reach its eternal potential, and neither will each partner.
Not only do we develope these qualities for ourselves, for our marriages, but also our children. Yes, others around us, but I would venture to say that there is no greater impact on one's life, and one's salvation that that of the family and children.
There are no guarantees in life except one: the Atonement is enough. No matter what happends. Too often I hear divorcees in the church complain that they did it right. They were worthy. Sought out a worthy parther. Got sealed in the temple. And now they are divorced, perhaps with children. Some get angry at God, and feel they deserved better or use it as a justification to fornicate or what ever else they get themselves into. There is one eternal principal they are forgetting. Free Agency! We all have our free agency. We knew that choosing God's plan. We knew how wonderful things could be if every one chose righteously. We also knew that not everyone would, and that we might suffer because of other's choices. There are no victims in this world. We all made a choice before we came. But, as I said before, the Atonement is enough, no matter what happens. All we can do is choose to live righteously and seek for progression, and we will be blessed.
I know this to be true with all of my being.
I look forward to being a wife, and a mother. I know it will happen, and I choose God's will this time.
I rejoice in friends who have found a worthy eternal companion and are now starting a family. I love seeing people I've met getting married like Dan and Jaime, Rebecca and Bryce, Ana and Allen, Roman and his wife (sorry I forgot). I love seeing good men I have known like Mike to meet Bethany who was prepared to love him and he her. I love it. It makes me happy. These are such good examples to me and their diligence in finding their eternal companion, and in nurturing their marriage.
Marriage is a miracle. A blessing from God.
I wish it for everyone. I know it will happen with faith and patience. I also know that if we are not willing to follow God will, as tough as it may seem right now, it will be a tougher lesson if we choose our own will over His.
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