The Lessons From A Broken Heart

It is interesting how truth and clarity come in increments. The illumination of one light bulb brings a greater grasp of understanding, and further meaning to the phrase hind sight is 20/20. But when least expected, that light seems dim compared to the newest wattage of clarity, bringing that 20/20 vision of past experiences to eagle eye 20/10 equivalence. I have no doubt that there is a depth of knowlegde and understanding that is far beyond our current comprehension. An infinite expanse, if you will, of clarity (see all those high fluting math concepts do apply to real life).

I am sure I will appreciate the experience of a broken heart with even greater clarity in the future, but for now the brightness of my understanding has grown. I recall a wise friend who said she is very grateful her heart was broken once because she knows she is married to the right man, and how she loves him. I look forward to this greater understanding which will come at the time of meeting the right man to whom I will be wed, and with whom I will raise a family.

As I look back on what I consider the heart break of my life, I see the changes of my view on that experience as I grow and gain more experiences. I couldn't compare the pain I was feeling at the time because I never experienced it before. Sure, I was previously married and the pains of a wrong choice and divorce wrot much growth and change in me, but it still didn't compare to the depth of pain I felt from this break up. While in the immediate aftermath of the break up, I couldn't understand why the opportunity of that relationship was placed in my life when it wasn't going to work out, for I don't believe that things happen by chance though I do believe we all have our free agency to affect and make choices of what is placed in our lives. In fact, I felt months of intense loss in my life and I kept replaying how I could have done things better and perhaps reached a more favorable outcome. I even entertained the thought that perhaps we weren't ready at the time, but perhaps in the future we would have learned more that would benefit a greater love and marriage. The words perhaps rang in my mind and in my heart. I had the hope that we would get back together, until he got married.

This bit of knowledge threw me in another tail spin, or rather revealed another layer of healing that I had been avoiding. Heck, the man was off the market. He chose to be off the market and he did not choose me, all while I thought perhaps...Yes, it was a form of closure. The closure of the perhaps I had been holding dear. It was the closed door I needed, though painful as it was. Funny though, I knew there was no possibility anymore and moved on in a way but I realized I hadn't fully moved on. I didn't realize I hadn't fully moved on until years later. I guess what I mean is that I didn't understand the significance and blessing of that broken heart until years later.

I always knew that I had learned a great deal from that relationship, and from that man. I learned what a real relationship should look like; one with love, and respect. Best friends with lots of laughter and passion. A man I could respect his priesthood because he respected it. A man who lived his testimony and sought after serving and progression. I never had to worry about compromising my values or standards with him, because in fact he made me want to be a better person; and suprisingly enough he told me I made him want to be a better person.

Even in the end I could see that the huge impass that brought about the break up was the proof that we each had a different purpose that neither one of us could help the other to fulfill. I knew that if we forced the relationship, one day we would grow to resent one another because neither one was ready for what was necessary to overcome the obstacle that came between us. Everything that was beautiful and great would decay and fall apart if we forced the relationship. To this day, I am gratefull he had more strenth than I to end it, because I surely didn't have the fortitude necessary. In fact, I didn't want to accept the break up to the point of loosing much respect and self respect. I did not handle the break up well, and for that I am ashamed. I have been able to forgive myself. I have also been able to apologize for not handling the break up well. I didn't realize how much I needed this to really gain closure and healing until I let him know how sorry I was. In fact, I felt sorry about how I dealt with it for years, but never let him know because I didn't want to interfere in his marriage.

I thought that simply the lessons from that heartbreak were 1) to learn was a real relationship looks like 2) that I have a purpose that he couldn't help me fulfill. It wasn't until this last Sunday as I was talking with a good friend about the lovely and ever so fun subject of dating and marriage, that I received the clarity that the blessings of that relationship and subsequent hearbreak far out weighed my prior understanding. After my divorce, I wanted to find the right man and the right relationship. I thought I had learned a lot about myself and what I was looking for. But it started to become evident that my desire to be married was outweighing my desire to be married to the right man because the type of guys I started to date or spend time with were becoming more and more questionable.

In fact, I didn't even consider the heartbreak of my life as relationship material until spending time with him and realizing how much I liked him and respected him. I thought it was going to be friendship only. We all know there are those friends with potential and those friends with no potential. I sized him up immediately as a great guy with no potential. Rather quickly, my hasty conclusion changed because I added how much I liked the guy with how he made me feel in a relatively short time. All of a sudden I really really liked him, and wanted to pursue a relationship. From that point on I was changed.

I changed because what I in my heart knew I should be looking for in a man and in a relationship all of a sudden wasn't just wistful thinking. Instead of settling for less than that or for what was available at the time, I learned that the right relationship was worth waiting for. The right relationship was worth the heartache of being lonely and single and not having that love in my life. I had already experienced what a bad marriage was and the lack of joy that comes from that. I didn't want that again. I didn't want that for my future children. But up until meeting the hearbreak of my life, the guys I started spending my time with were not going to bring any more happiness than my first marriage. It took that amazing realtionship and intense heartbreak to teach me what I really should be looking for. It gave me a taste of what the right relationship would be like. It gave me the experience necessary to avoid going down the wrong path with the wrong guys.

In the years to follow this break up, I have only semi dated one guy. Other than that, I really have only had disappointments. I have not dated much at all. And this is okay with me. I know that that heartbreak has saved me from choosing the wrong relationships until it is the right time for the right one. Wow. How much you learn when your perspective of a situation shifts even a tiny bit. What once I couldn't understand why in the world I met this guy because of the pain I experience from it not working out becomes such a huge blessing. Though I was not strong enough to be the one to do the right thing to end the relationship at the time, I did gain the strength to stay out of the wrong relationship since. I know this will be a far greater blessing once I do meet and marry my best friend and the love of my life. It will all make sense, and the light of my understanding will shine brighter than I can imagine!

I look forward to this. Until then, if I can influence but one person for the good, and to inspire someone to hold out for the right relationship and endure the pains and lonlieness that singlehood brings, and to endure it well and be happy, then it is even more worth it!